


HEY, ANDROMEDA! GO LONG!

by iheartmwpp



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, what is this I don't even
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-16
Updated: 2013-10-16
Packaged: 2017-12-29 15:09:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1006856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iheartmwpp/pseuds/iheartmwpp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It turns out Remus may not have made the best decision when picking Teddy's godfather...</p>
            </blockquote>





	HEY, ANDROMEDA! GO LONG!

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing except my fucked-up brain, which I'm pretty sure was hijacked a long, long time ago…WHO AM I WHERE AM I WHAT COLOR IS THE SUBWAY IN DETROIT—Aaahhh, happy pills…

~*~*~

"Hey Andromeda! Go long!" shouted Harry, chucking the helpless infant in her direction as hard as he could.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" wailed Teddy as he flew through the air so fast he caused a rift to open on the edge of the Roman Coliseum. The ducks then rode on the unicycles that managed to blend together in a fine concoction of mayonnaise, which was used to fuel the pencil-operated toaster.

On Thursday.

Anyway! Teddy aged rapidly for no reason until he was around nineteen or something, because the dodos were out of lizard spleens and needed to go to the grocery store to get a new Wi-Fi connection. The porcupines had a run in with the giant squid who gave them all tap dancing lessons so they could cross the Sahara Desert on skis.

Teddy then went on an Epic Quest of Epicness That Is Too Epic to Ever Be Written Down by Anyone Ever. This included him catching all 45,792,706,402,934,636,783,568,378,345,624,455,768,947 Pokémon, creating lasting World Peace, dancing the Macarena on the top of Mount Rushmore, destroying all life on the planet Zwoop, eating a chestnut that had been coated in lava, defeating CHUCK NORRIS (oh yeah, I went there), starring in High School Musical 46: Attack of the Mutant Space Chinchillas That Feast on the Blood of the Innocent, and winning a hot dog eating contest. Also he somehow managed to turn Lindsey Lohan into a good, likeable person and a decent actress, I have no idea how that went down. And he took over Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and ate all the chocolate; he is his father's son after all.

Guttentaag.

When two people love each other very much, you have one kill the other. Then, you extract their DNA, and use chippings! Wood chippings, chips of wood, or wood chippings, if you will. They must be oak. Then you faint from blood loss, or hyperventilation, from breathing in too much. And if you don't faint, you end up eating the chips of wood. And then they attach themselves to your pancreas. And they say, "Hey, Panny, what's up?" And the pancreas is like, "Wooooroowodonfli," and the wood chips desert it because pancreases don't talk because it's not alive except it is alive because it's a pancreas and it's just chillin' there and then it said, "Pancakes," and then, then then then then then then then then then then then Buzz Lightyear comes in and he says, "I heard someone is making pancakes," and then the wood chips are like, "Hey, you're that one guy," and Buzz Lightyear was like "Don't forget the caterpillar mutant keyhole's shark-infested ferret-like pumpkin Hobbit head. Oh, and it's eating your cephalopods." And then he said, "None of you are real, this is just a dream I'm having in my head," and the pancreas said, "Muffins" and Buzz Lightyear was like, "Oh you're having breakfast," and then they all turned into eggrolls.

Teddy blinked at this turn of events.

"Wow," he commented idly. "Maybe I should lay off the drugs for a bit…Naaaaah." He snorted some more chocolate.

Suddenly, he found himself in the middle of a tea party with his father, Sirius, and James. They were just about to start munching on the peppermint-flavored bulldozers when Remus started convulsing.

"I do believe that I have begun to turn into a werewolf," he remarked casually. He then commenced writhing.

" Oh noes, my dearest father is turning into a werewolf!" cried Teddy in dismay, his hair inhaling a nest of cobras and his toes turning into marshmallows, which he promptly ate.

"We must transform!" shouted James, leaping onto the cheese grater and putting his hands on his hips, dramatically pointing a finger at the sky. "Quick, to the Batmobile!"

"Dude, how's that gonna help Remus?" asked Sirius.

"I HAVE NO IDEA!"


End file.
